Dominance

For those of us drawn to the dark desire of sexual domination, we are often seduced by themes of power, control, and pleasure. Within BDSM or D/s, the role of the Dominant is certainly one of power and control, but it is also about leadership, responsibility and mindfulness. If you are interested in being a dominant partner in BDSM, it is important to understand how to do so in a safe, respectful, and consensual manner. In this article, I will discuss the twelve skills and knowledge that are necessary to be a good dominant partner in BDSM.

1. Excellent Communication

One of the most important aspects of being a good dominant partner in BDSM is being skilled at communication. Open and clear communication helps ensure that all BDSM play is safe, consensual and pleasurable. Clear communication before any scenes also helps set expectations so that everyone involved can focus on pleasure. Additionally as a Dom, not only do you need to talk to your partner about their desires, limits, and boundaries, but you also need to be able to read non-verbal communication cues as well. Finally, once the scene is already underway, a Dom is also responsible for checking in with their partner during the play to make sure that they are okay and to see if they need to adjust or stop.

2. Educate Yourself

Before you start playing as a dominant partner, it is important to learn about BDSM basics. This can involve reading books, watching videos, attending workshops, talking to experienced practitioners, or training with professionals. By learning about BDSM, you will be able to understand the different types of play, the safety precautions, and the ethical considerations. Ideally, you would also learn about the anatomy and physiology of the human body, especially the areas that are sensitive or vulnerable. 

Educating yourself also includes understanding your specific psychological desires, as well as your partner’s, and how each of you prefer to have those desires met. For example you might enjoy the psychological gratification of power and you get that met through making your submissive beg to orgasm.Respect Your submissive

3. Respect your submissive

As a dominant partner, you have the power to control the play, but you should always respect your partner's limits. Everyone has physical and emotional boundaries that must be considered while planning and engaging in a scene. A responsible Dom never intentionally pushes their partner to do something that they have not consented to. While pain and emotionally challenging situations are often part of a BDSM scene, that is not always the case. It is important to remember that BDSM is not about causing harm, being mean, or forcing someone to do what you want them to do, but about exploring pleasure and power dynamics in a consensual way.

Additionally, as a Dom you must respect your partner's autonomy. Essentially, BDSM is consensual and respectful, and your partner will always have the right to revoke their consent or to stop the play. A Dom also respects your partner's identity, desires, and boundaries outside of the play. 

4. Safe & Sane

BDSM play can involve risks, such as physical injury or emotional trauma, so it is important to use safe and sane practices. This can involve using safe words, checking for allergies or health conditions, using clean and sterilized equipment, and using proper techniques. You should also have a first aid kit and know how to respond to emergencies. It is important to establish trust and confidence with your partner by showing that you take their safety and well-being seriously. To ensure this safety, it is best to do at least the first iteration of a scene sober. Being altered can be a lot of fun in sexual situations but for BDSM, especially the first time with a new partner or when attempting new activities, sobriety directly decreases your ability to maintain safety. 

5. Leadership

A dominant partner is basically a leader in a BDSM scene. To be a leader you need to be confident and assertive in your role. Being capable of taking charge of the play and guiding your partner through the experience is part of that responsibility, as well as communicating clearly and effectively. However, being confident and assertive does not necessarily mean being aggressive or disrespectful. While some people also enjoy these aspects of BDSM, a Dom’s authority comes first from a place of presence and strength. This means that your attention is on your submissive at all times and you make decisions from a place of relaxed control.

6. Practice Aftercare

After the play is over, it is important to practice aftercare even if it sounds boring or counterintuitive. Aftercare can involve cuddling, affirmation, or providing comfort to your partner, but it can also simply be a debrief of the scene you just experienced together. BDSM play can be intense and emotional, and aftercare helps provide closure to a scene and aids your submissive in returning to the real world. Experienced Doms often check in with their partners in the days following the play to see how they are doing and to address any concerns or issues.

7. Understand Power Dynamics

Being a dominant partner in BDSM means that you hold power over your submissive partner within the scene and sometimes without. Often people who are new to BDSM wrongly assume that the Dom gets final say in scene negotiation and has the authority to override a submissive’s boundaries or concerns. This is simply not the case. It is important to understand the power dynamic and how it can impact your relationship with your partner. Age, race, experience, arousal levels, and many other aspects factor heavily into the intersectionality of power. Being aware of the potential for abuse or coercion and taking steps to avoid it, demonstrates respect for your play partners as well as a commitment to doing no harm. 

8. Ask for Feedback

BDSM play can be a learning experience for both partners, and it is important to be open to feedback. Experienced Doms are very willing to listen to their partner's thoughts and feelings about the play, and to use their feedback to improve their skills. This can involve adjusting technique, changing their approach, or exploring new types of play.

9. Practice Self-Care

As a Dom, not only are you responsible for your submissive’s pleasure and safety, you are responsible for your own as well. BDSM play can be physically and emotionally demanding, and it is important to take care of yourself to avoid burnout or exhaustion. This can involve getting enough sleep, eating well, setting time limits for a scene, and engaging in activities that help you relax and recharge before and after. It also may include saying “no” to a partner’s requests, or canceling a play-date when you are not feeling up to holding space for another’s experience. A good Dom is aware of their own emotional needs and seeks support when needed.

10. Consent

Consent and safety are the cornerstones of BDSM play, and as a dominant partner, it is your responsibility to ensure that both are upheld. A Dom will never pressure or coerce their partner into doing something that they are uncomfortable with, and they should always prioritize the safety and well-being of their submissives. This involves open communication before a scene, checking in with their partner regularly during a scene, using safe words, and using proper equipment and techniques.

11. Growth Mindset

There is a reason BDSM is often referred to as a practice. Much like meditation, mastery of a musical instrument, or participating in a sport, BDSM is a set of skills that you develop and maintain over time. BDSM play can be a journey of learning and growth, and it is important to be open to new experiences and perspectives. Be willing to try new things, explore your own desires and boundaries, and learn from your experiences. This can involve seeking out resources, attending events or workshops, engaging with the BDSM community or working with a BDSM coach.

By following these tips, you can become an excellent Dominant partner when engaging in BDSM play. Remember to prioritize communication, consent, safety, and respect. With practice and patience, you can develop your skills as a Dom and create fulfilling and enjoyable BDSM experiences for both you and your partners.