BDSM for Beginners
Most of my clients are curious about exploring BDSM, or deepening their BDSM practices. While we can be titillated by our darker desires, taking the first steps in exploring BDSM is intimidating for most people. When I teach BDSM skills to anyone, I have a clear protocol that I follow which maximizes pleasure, connection and safety. Here is what you need to know before you begin exploring all that BDSM has to offer.
What is BDSM?
BDSM is the consensual exploration of dark fantasies, desires, and activities that fall beyond the social norms of sex. BDSM typically includes erotic role play centered on Dominance and submission. BDSM can include a wide variety of activities such as bondage, kink, power play, and fantasy. Common themes explored in BDSM are:
Power
Control
Humiliation (embarrassment and degradation)
Care (belonging and attention)
Sensation (pain, physical overwhelm and containment)
BDSM is basically an umbrella term that includes many erotic activities and interests. The acronym BDSM includes some of these activities, but certainly not all.
B is for Bondage: The consensual practice of tying, restraining, suspending, or caging a person for mutual erotic satisfaction.
D is for Discipline & Dominance: Discipline is a form of erotic role play which involves rules, training and punishment between a dominant and submissive partner. Spanking, verbal scolding, and pleasure denial are all examples of discipline. Dominance is the consensual application of power and influence over others. Dominance is essentially a form of leadership and responsibility for the experience of others.
S is for Submission, Sadism, & Switch: Submission is surrendering to another’s will and an act of trust. Sadists derive pleasure and sexual satisfaction from inflicting pain, humiliation, and suffering on another. Switch refers to individuals who enjoy experiencing both dominant and submissive roles.
M is for Masochism: Masochists derive pleasure and sexual gratification while experiencing pain, humiliation, and suffering inflicted by another. They enjoy erotic role play in which another person exercises power and control over them.
Step by Step
Following these steps will support you and your partner(s) while exploring BDSM for the first time. Proceeding at a slow and comfortable pace will help you both to feel safe and to focus on pleasure.
Consider how you want to feel during your sexual experiences. Core Erotic Theme, or CET is the emotional foundation of our desires; understanding how we want to feel, emotionally during sex, rather than how we want to physically feel. Make a list of things that help you feel what you want to feel.
Fantasize about scenes or activities you may want to try. First and foremost, what is most important about any sexual experience is you understanding what you want. Understanding your partner’s desires comes second. Always. You are much more likely to have a good experience if you have some idea of what you want, and what you do not want.
Discuss openly with your partner(s) what turns you on without asking for anything. Have your partner share what turns them on as well, without asking for anything. Sharing our fantasies is a great way to explore our darker desires without pressure or judgment. Sharing fantasies will also help you and your partner(s) discover overlapping interests.
Create an erotic menu with your partner(s). Think of this as creating a list of things that could happen in your BDSM scene. Don’t try to get through the whole list during your first experience, that would be overwhelming. Rather, consider the list a living menu that can be added to or subtracted from as you learn more about your desires and pleasure.
The next step is boundaries. Create a list of things that you DO NOT want to have happen during your scene. If anything is edgy or you aren’t sure, save time to experience that activity on its own so you can learn easily if you like it or not.
Build your scene. Create a simple plan for your first scene which should last no more that 15mins. Decide on the tools or props you may need, as well as the general vibe or tone of the experience. At the beginning of your exploration it’s best to keep things simple. Choose one or two items for your BDSM menu to enjoy. There will be plenty of time to try more activities later. Remember, more is not more.
Discuss options for aftercare. Often submissives need special care or attention at the end of a scene as they come back to reality. This can be a vulnerable and emotional time for many submissives, so it’s important for Dominants to be prepared to give their partner(s) care. A good aftercare experience can make or break any BDSM experience. Aftercare can include cuddling, words of affirmation, food and water, or clean-up, amongst other things.
Finally, and most importantly - agree on safe words. A safe word is a signal that can be used to communicate that the sub needs something to change or that they need to stop playing altogether. A safe word is an unambiguous word defined before a scene that the submissive partner uses to signal the dominant partner to halt all activity and end the scene. Even when submissives agree to an activity, they may decide mid-scene that it is not working for them. I teach my clients to use the simple system of red, yellow and green. Red for full stop, yellow for slow down, and green for all good to go.
Helpful Hints
Go slowly. When we go slowly, we feel more pleasure and we are more capable of identifying anything that is not working for us.
Make eye contact. Eye contact is an easy way to check in with our partner(s) and maintain connection. I’m not suggesting you maintain eye contact throughout the whole experience, but it can be extremely helpful to check in. This is another safety fail-safe that encourages communication during a BDSM scene.
Be safe and smart. If you do not know how to do something safely don’t do it! Before you try something you do not know how to do, please, read a book, take a class, get professional instruction, or watch a how-to video before engaging in risky behavior. It’s actually quite easy to give someone nerve damage by tying their wrist incorrectly. Please educate yourself before playing.
Plan to debrief about the scene. This informal chat can be done either post aftercare or at a designated time. I prefer post aftercare, when I’m feeling blissed out, connected to my partner, and while the experience is fresh in my mind. Discuss what worked, what didn’t, what you want more of, and any inspiration you gleaned from the scene you just had.
Consent
Consent is so important, it gets its own section! Consent is clearly given permission from ALL parties involved in an activity, before the activity begins. BDSM activity is always negotiated beforehand. Remember the activity menu? If an activity is not on the menu, then there is no consent. Both Doms and submissives can revoke consent during a scene, even if they gave consent beforehand. The way BDSM is depicted in TV, and film makes it seem that a Dominant can do ‘whatever they want’ to a submissive, but this is completely untrue. A dominant only performs activities that are agreed upon by all people involved, before a scene begins. Any non-approved activity performed by the dominant partner can be considered sexual assault.
Exploring our darker desires is something that we all could benefit from. BDSM can enhance your sexual experiences, increase your self knowledge, and provide you with incredible pleasure. Learning BDSM tools can also improve communication in relationships, and revitalize stagnant sexual connections. Hopefully this brief summary gives you the confidence to begin your dark exploration. If you follow this clear protocol, you will be able to maximize your connection, safety, and pleasure.