BDSM Lessons from Armie Hammer
I have been thinking a lot about Armie Hammer lately, after reading the most recent Vanity Fair expose; a brief installment of a three year saga. I cannot say with certainty whether or not Armie realized he was harming any of these women, or if he cared. I do not know if he got off on harming others, or if he is genuinely shocked that some of his interactions were not consensual. Regardless, Armie is not a Dom, and a terrible lover. I can make this assertion because he could not tell during a four hour sexual encounter that his ex-lover Effie was having a bad experience and he either did not care, or he did not know.
My Perspective
If Armie truly had no malevolent intent towards any of the women who are accusing him of rape, assault, and general misconduct, then I truly feel sorry for him. At best, he has been wantonly irresponsible in his intimate relationship. At worst, he is a violent predator. But I’m not writing to speculate over Armie’s intentions or guilt. Rather, I’m much more interested in what lessons can be learned from his behavior that will help people interested in exploring BDSM but are afraid to do so. You see, when articles like this come out about people who have harmed others under the guise of BDSM or kink, it spreads dangerous misinformation that leads to fear and shame.
Armie sent many texts to women, describing in graphic detail, some dark, and frightening fantasies. His mistake here was not that he had these fantasies, however dark, or that he wanted to share those fantasies. The issue is that he shared those fantasies with women who did not want to hear them and were frightened by them. I know little about whether these women asked him to stop or gave him any critical feedback about his sharing, but I sincerely hope they tried. But the sharing of our dark inner world ultimately should be consensual. A simple request such as, “Hey, I would like to share some of my darkest, depraved, fucked-up fantasies with you. Would that be okay?” If these women said yes, that would be enough diligence. He also, ideally, would have asked them to tell him if things got too intense. That simple invitation can be a game changer for people unfamiliar with D/s dynamics, or who struggle to communicate their boundaries. Ultimately, it seems like Armie and the women who have been harmed by him had little experience with BDSM safety practices, and were not equipped with the necessary communication skills to navigate Armie’s desires.
A majority of my work is focused on exploring BDSM, D/s, and kink with my clients. The experience levels of my clients range from complete novices who have never had any form of sexual contact with another individual, to people who have been practicing BDSM for over a decade. The lesson here is that regardless of one’s experience level, there is always something to learn. Each human interaction is a potential learning experience, and this is never more true than in the sexual realm.
When working on BDSM and kink with my clients, my mantra is “Do no harm”. Which may sound ironic, given that pain can be a significant part of BDSM interactions. What most people do not realize, however, is the crucial differences between pain and harm. Pain can be physical, psychological, and emotional, but it can also lead to great pleasure and fulfillment. Harm, however, leads to trauma, shame, therapy, and hospital visits. Pain releases endorphins in the body, harm can numb us until we feel nothing at all. So while I guide my clients through the exploration of their darker desires, I eagerly point out opportunities for pleasure, as well as potential sources of harm.
The path to experiencing harm-free BDSM, kink, and sex is shockingly simple. Of course there is a learning curve, but once you understand the basics and put in a little effort practicing, harm-less sex becomes a habit. But you have to want it. Not only does the “Do no harm” mantra lead to more pleasure, it also helps keep people safe. And I’m not just talking about people in the submissive role, I am talking about Doms as well. It is not uncommon for people in the Dominant role to have what they believe to be a consensual sexual experience with someone, only to find out later that their partner had a much different experience, and it was not consensual. Boundary crossing is bad for everyone involved. When safety is breached, the Dom can experience shame, guilt, legal action, and self- doubt.
Safety Must-Haves
In order to create safety and reduce the potential for harm. when exploring BDSM or darker desires, you must prioritize the following:
Trust: Let’s be reasonable here. We need to trust that our lovers are sane, have no desire to harm us, and care that we are enjoying our experience.
Communication: If you cannot talk about sex, you shouldn’t be having it. Our ability to discuss vulnerable topics such as sex is a way to assess our own capacity and maturity.
Attunement: Is the skill of being aware of and responsive to another person’s experience.
Consent: Clear expectations about what everyone involved is okay with and what they are not okay with. If it wasn’t discussed before the scene, then it shouldn’t happen in the scene.
Safe Words: This is. your emergency break, and is especially necessary during CNC (consensual non-consent) scenes, and play involving violence.
Aftercare: This helps everyone involved return to reality. Aftercare also provides space for people to check-in and receive care. This is the best time to give or request feedback and deal with any mistakes or boundary violations. It is an essential part of good BDSM practices.
Safety Tips
CONSCIOUSLY BUILD YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS.
o Doms: If you struggle to communicate your needs and/or boundaries, BDSM is going to suck for you. If you struggle to hear or honor the boundaries of others, you are going to harm someone and possibly face legal consequences.
o Subs: If you struggle to communicate your needs and/or boundaries, BDSM is going to suck for you and you will likely be harmed. If you feel unsafe communicating with your Dom, or if you feel unheard when you do communicate with them, DO NOT PLAY WITH THEM.
ESTABLISH SAFE WORDS AND PRACTICE USING THEM IN LOWER-STAKES SCENES.
o Doms: Do you trust your sub to use their safe words, or hand gestures? Have they used them in the past? Do they give you feedback after scenes so you are continuing to learn about their needs and pleasure?
o Subs: Are you capable of using your safe word or hand gestures during a scene? Are you capable of giving feedback after a sexual experience? Has your Dom responded immediately when your safe word has been used? Do they ever discourage your use of safe words or act upset if you need to use them?
ESTABLISH A PLAN FOR AFTERCARE.
o Doms: Make sure you understand what your sub needs after a scene and be prepared to honor their requests for aftercare as long as the requests are within your boundaries. If you have no interest in giving aftercare, make that explicitly clear to your sub before a scene or play.
o Subs: Clearly communicate your aftercare needs. When receiving aftercare, if something is missing, request it. If your Dom tells you that they will not give you aftercare, and it is something you desire DO NOT PLAY WITH THEM. They are not the right play partner for you.
SLOWLY BUILD SCENE INTENSITY.
o Doms: If you are trying something new or if you are playing with someone new, escalate activities slowly so that you learn what you and your partner(s) enjoy at a pace that is easy to process. You can always have more or do more if everything is working, but it is impossible to undo what has already been done.
o Subs: When we progress slowly, we feel more. Moving slowly when exploring new activities and/or new partners makes it easier to check in with yourself and communicate with your partner. If you feel safe with your partner in low-stakes scenes, it is easier to escalate intensity because there is a foundation of safety and trust.
As a practitioner of BDSM for nearly twenty years, I have come to accept that mistakes are bound to happen when we are intimate with others. I have made mistakes, both personally and professionally. I have missed non-verbal cues, misunderstood requests, and taken people past their edge. While none of these incidents resulted in significant harm, I took them all very seriously. Which is how I have learned to be a great Dom. It is also why I am now so adept at taking people to the line and riding it hard. When our darker desires urge us to test our boundaries, or the boundaries of others, we can easily minimize harm with cultivated communication skills and safety practices. Building the necessary skills discussed above will empower you with what you need to stay safe. Feeling safe leads to trust and allows for deeper exploration.
Links to the referenced Vanity Fair articles:
https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2021/03/the-fall-of-armie-hammer-a-family-saga-of-sex-money-drugs-and-betrayal
https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2023/02/armie-hammer-interview-abuse