Ethical Non-Monogamy
Every week I speak with someone who is curious about non-monogamy. It seems like nowadays, everyone knows someone or has heard of someone in their community who has dabbled in some form of non-monogamy. Over the years more and more of my clients, both single people and couples, ask me questions about polyamory, open marriage, threesomes, and even sex parties. Most commonly, people simply want to know what are the options and how non-monogamous relationships even work. Since there are numerous forms non-monogamy can take, it may be difficult to determine which relationship models may work for you. Below is a summary of common relationship models, followed but helpful facts about exploring beyond the bounds of monogamy.
Relationship Models
Ethical Non-Monogamy or ENM, is an umbrella term for relationship models that are consensually non-monogamous. A prerequisite of ENM is consent. When individuals engage in any form of ENM, they do so knowingly and willingly. If one person is unaware of another partner’s relationships with other people, they are not ethically monogamous. Cheating is not ethical non-monogamy. ENM is based upon consent, mutual trust, and clear communication.
Open Relationships are a version of ENM in which the rules, boundaries, and expectations are determined by the people involved. Think of open relationships as a ‘choose your own adventure’ relationship model. While every relationship has its own unique agreements, the Open model is constantly in flux, and rules can even be different for each person involved. An example of this is couples who agree to a “Don’t ask, don’t tell policy” when it comes to lovers outside the primary relationship.
Monogamish is similar to the Open relationship model, insofar that the boundaries are highly contingent upon the partners. Monogamish couples often practice monogamy most of the time but they also have specific agreements about how and when they engage with other sexual or romantic partners. An example is a couple who only play with other people together.
Polyamory is characterized by individuals maintaining multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships at one time. A significant feature of polyamory is that individuals may be in love with multiple people at the same time, whereas secondary relationships for open or monogamish couples tend to be more emotionally casual.
Hierarchical Polyamory: Is when a couple decides that they are each other’s primary partner, and place their relationship above all other secondary relationships. An example of this is a married couple who live together and date others separately.
Polyfidelity: Is a group of individuals who are all romantically and/or sexually involved with each other and do not sexually or romantically engage with others outside the defined group. An example of this is three couples who date each other, but do not date anyone else.
Solo Polyamory: Is an individual who has no primary partner, but has multiple partners who may or may not be in other relationships (primary or otherwise).
Relationship Anarchy: Polyamory without any discernible hierarchy.
Swinging is the practice of couples swapping partners. This can be a private arrangement, or the swapping could be done in larger group contexts. An example of this is key parties, a practice developed in the 1940’s. A group of friends would get together at a private home, all the men would put their car keys in a bowl and the women would choose keys from the bowl. The keys would be matched to their owner, and the woman would go home with that man for the night.
Triad or Throuple are terms for three people who are equal partners in a primary relationship. A triad can practice fidelity to each other, or they can also be open to other people. Regardless, the three individuals who form the triad are non-hierarchical within their group.
A threesome is sexual activity between three people. This can be three individuals with no primary partners, or it could be a primary couple joined by a third person. Threesomes describe a sexual dynamic rather than a relationship model.
Unicorns actually do exist! A unicorn is a bisexual person who joins a couple (often heterosexual) for a threesome.
Cuckolding (aka Hotwifing) is a dynamic in which the female partner in a heterosexual relationship is encouraged to sleep with other men, not only for her pleasure, but also for the pleasure of her male primary partner. Cuckolds are turned on by the idea of their girlfriend or wife sleeping with other men on their own, but some cuckolds enjoy participating in the encounter, either by watching the activity, or by facilitating the activity in some way. Typically in this dynamic, the boyfriend/ husband only engages in sexual and/or romantic activity with his girlfriend/wife. Stud is a label given to the secondary male partner, or the guest-star of the erotic activity. These men may be interested in engaging with only the girlfriend or Hotwife, but they also may have some relational or sometimes sexual engagement with the cuckold.
Things to Consider
Communication is an essential part of ENM. If you have an aversion to open and vulnerable communication, or you struggle with communication, ENM is going to be incredibly difficult for you. Engaging in ENM requires tons of communication, so if that is not a skill you possess, I would recommend working to strengthen your communication skills with a coach or therapist before exploring.
Boundaries are also an essential part of ENM. Our ability to identify, communicate, and honor our own boundaries helps us stay safe and experience pleasure. If you have trouble identifying or keeping your own boundaries, ENM will be a struggle. Working with a coach or therapist to become more capable with boundaries will make enjoying ENM much more possible. Likewise, if you find that you inadvertently, or intentionally tend to cross other people’s boundaries, you are in danger of harming others. Working with a coach or therapist with the goal of becoming more capable of hearing and keeping boundaries will keep you and your partners safe.
Jealousy is an emotion that everyone has experienced and is capable of experiencing. All emotions are healthy, not only because they are natural, but also because they serve a practical function. Our emotions (especially the uncomfortable ones) alert us that we need to pay attention to something, possibly something harmful. Some people like to believe that they have evolved away from experiencing jealousy. The rhetoric around jealousy being anti-feminist, less evolved, or bad, is in itself harmful because the fact is, we do not choose what we feel. But we can choose how we respond to how we feel. Our ability to identify what triggers our jealousy, and what soothes that feeling is what we actually need in order to enjoy ENM. I maintain that jealousy is a sign that our needs are not being met, and if we can identify the missing need, we are more likely to get the need met and eliminate the jealousy. So, rather than focusing energy on eliminating an emotion (which actually cannot be done), use the experience of jealousy as a way to learn more about yourself.
Taking First Steps
While ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone, relationship dynamics beyond monogamy certainly have much to offer many people. What is most important to understand is that you can create whatever kind of relationship that will work best for you. The first step is identifying your own needs, desires, and boundaries. Once you become reasonably clear about what might work for you, communicate that to current and potential partners. Beginning with your best case scenario is a much better place to start this conversation, rather than tailoring your needs and boundaries to fit your partner’s.
The second step to successfully exploring ENM is remembering to go slowly. Many people make the mistake of rushing into ENM after an initial conversation, only to realize belatedly, they weren’t quite clear of their partner’s expectations or boundaries. As you can imagine, this kind of misunderstanding leads to conflict. An effective tool for minimizing initial conflict is slowing down. For example, try having a make-out session with a new person, then have a check-in with your partner and discuss how the new experience feels for both of you. Going slowly allows us to pay attention to what feels good, while also helping us discern what doesn’t feel good. Ramping up the activity or intensity of our encounters with other people allows feedback from our partner. Like navigating any new relational experience, we are bound to make mistakes, cross boundaries, and experience growing pains. While comfortable, all of this is normal, and does not necessarily mean that ENM is not right for you. Slow down, communicate after each step, and set your ENM experience up for success.
The third and final step is keeping negotiations open. Our needs, priorities, and boundaries change throughout our life. It only makes sense that what we want from our intimate relationships will change throughout our life as well. Non-monogamy can lead to unexpected self-discovery, and this knowledge can lead to our desires and needs changing. Just because we agree to a set of rules for ENM does not mean they are set in stone. If an agreement is not working for you, speak to your partner about it. Communication, as always, is the key.