Strategies to Make Sex a Habit

The pandemic has brought out parts of ourselves that we have been avoiding or suppressing. Long-term habits and patterns have become discernible over the past few years while our respective worlds became smaller. As we are finally being released back into a semblance of normalcy many of us have realized that some of those coping strategies and habits have stuck, and some of these behaviors are no longer benefitting us. One of the ways I adapted during the pandemic was paying closer attention to the frequency with which I have sex. I literally tallied every encounter for over two years, and would often write notes on the experiences. Now it’s time to share what I have learned. 

For the past two years, I have regularly had sex 2-3 times a week; 4 times if I’m very lucky. Although I ideally would like to have sex every single day, I honestly feel exhausted at the end of most days. Which means I have had to exert an extra effort to make sure sex happens. Do I always feel sexy or turned on before I have sex? Fuck, no! Over the past few years, my attitude often had me thinking, “I don’t feel like it, but I don’t want to pass up an opportunity”. How often am I glad I said yes to sex? 100% of the time. In fact, I’ve never felt regretful after having sex with either of my partners, even when I was not in the mood when we began. 

Here are some strategies I use to have regular sex.

1. I SCHEDULE AND PLAN.

If I do not have sex every three to four days, I can become unpleasant to be around. Longer than that I often cry for no reason, and feel more anxious than usual. Since I know the effects a lack of sex have on me, I have made it a habit to keep track of frequency for my own wellbeing. I also know that I initiate sex three out of every four sessions. My partners initiate one out of four sessions. Instead of putting energy into changing these ratios, I invest my energy in planning. At the beginning of each week I look at my schedule and identify opportunities to connect with my partners. If I have a couple heavy days of work ahead of me, I initiate sex before those busy days and I pencil it for the first day I predict that I will have enough energy. Since I plan ahead, I can make sure my partners are available when I want them to be, and I can prepare to get myself in the mood before I initiate. 

2. I FEED MY OWN FIRE.

I love the feeling of being turned on. I feel happier, healthier, sexier, and much more powerful when my body is at a low-level of arousal. Feeling aroused and connected to my desire helps me manage stress, feel more energized and motivated. Feeling turned on also helps me be a better sex and intimacy coach! Since I love this feeling so much, I invest in activities that help me maintain the feelings I crave. One technique I swear by is masturbation. I cannot stress this enough – if you are a woman who struggles with identifying your turn-ons, preferred physical stimulus, desire for sex, etc., masturbation is the thing to do. Masturbation is great stress relief and self-care, but it is also a form of self-education; you will learn a lot about what turns you on. Such as how, and when you’re receptive to different touch and stimulation. Another technique is reading erotica. Dirty stories do it for me much more than visual pornography. I began reading erotica at the tender age of fourteen and it has helped me discover and hone my sexual identity. Erotica gives me ideas while helping my mind and body feel aroused. Another technique is vigorous exercise. Yes, I am suggesting that you exercise. Exercise not only keeps us healthy and looking our best, but it also helps us manage stress. Stress is a huge culprit when it comes to lack of desire or energy for sex. Exercise gives us energy and helps us get better sleep. Rigorous exercise also produces endorphins (happy chemicals) and hormones (desire chemicals). We need a special blend of hormones provided by exercise to connect to our sexual desire.

3. I FEED MY PARTNER’S FIRE.

I flirt with my primary partner constantly. Constantly. There is not a day that goes by (when we are in the same space) that I do not kiss, caress, or touch my partner in some way. I make it a daily practice to show him how much I adore his body. I also tell him how beautiful and sexy he is. I share my appreciation and desire for him. I lift him up every day, because I want him to know how desirable I find him, and because I know it makes him feel good. If he is feeling good, sexy, and confident, or sexual connection will reap the benefits. When my partner and I are out in the world together, I celebrate when I catch someone checking him out or flirting with him. I tease him and support him enjoying that kind of attention from strangers. We check out women together (we are both really into threesomes) so that we can fantasize together. The bottom line is that if you want your partner to feel confident and desirable, and be available for sex, in behooves you to demonstrate your appreciation for them.

4. I ALMOST ALWAYS SAY YES.

My partner and I have also have created an unspoken agreement when one of us makes a bid for sex. We hardly ever say no to a bid for sex. Seriously. It is incredibly rare. The exceptions being if one of us is feeling unwell, but if my partner is clearly sick I do not ask for sex anyways. But sometimes, one of us is extra tired, or sad, or something not sexy. When the partner responding to the bid is not in the mood, we always, and I mean ALWAYS, offer another time to connect – typically the following day. This habit has several benefits. Firstly, it helps us to be honest and vulnerable in our communication. Secondly, it helps us share responsibility of maintaining our sex-life. Lastly, it allows us to demonstrate to each other that we have desire for one another.

5. I KEEP MY ENVIRONMENT SEXY. 

This does not mean that my entire apartment is pristine. The inside of my closet is utter madness! Open any drawer or cupboard and there is no discernible organizational strategy. What I actually invest energy into, is what is in my line of sight, particularly in my bedroom. My bedroom is luscious, comfortable, and beautiful. When I lie in my bed, I feel good and I am surrounded by beauty. I do not have pictures of children or family members in my bedroom, and certainly not next to my bed. I do not want to see the beautiful faces of my tiny nephews when my partner is going down on me. My bed is a place for me to feel comfortable and sexy, it is not a place for me to think about my family. I do that literally everywhere else. You may want to consider spending some time in your bedroom identifying what may be distracting you from feeling focused on yourself and your pleasure. 

6. I THINK ABOUT SEX.

In case this isn’t abundantly clear by now – I devote time and energy thinking about sex. This is not simply because sex and relationships are my professional field, but they are also my passion. I celebrate the inherent value of sexual expression and pleasure. I have an insatiable curiosity when it comes to sex. But most importantly, I think about sex because I love it; truly, deeply, and completely. I love sex. And people who have the most enjoyable sex-lives tend to think about sex too. If you are struggling to feel desire or experience pleasure when you are getting it on, I encourage you to set aside time to contemplate what is working for you, what you want, and what may be getting in the way of you getting what you want.

Conclusion

In summation, if you want to have more sex or more intimacy with your partner(s), I urge you to consider how you are supporting your desires and how you are hindering them. Unfortunately, sex is not something that just happens for most of us. We have to make it happen, through intent, action, and habits. Creating healthy habits that nurture your connection to your desire and pleasure, as well as the connection between you and your partner(s) is an excellent use of your time and energy.