Master the Art of submission
Most submissives long for a break from the stress and monotony of the everyday. What most submissives truly crave is to be held in a bubble of their Dominant’s attention. Inside this bubble the submissive does not have any responsibilities; they do not have to think, make decisions, nor provide care for others. Within the bubble, submissives are finally able to focus solely on their pleasure, whatever that may be, while their Dominant provides them with care and undivided attention. Surrender is inherently seductive, but before you get on your knees there are many things you need to know in order to have the most pleasurable experience possible. Preparing yourself to explore submission essentially boils down to three main areas of knowledge: knowledge of yourself, knowledge of your partner(s), and knowledge of BDSM.
Know Yourself
Before you embark upon exploring BDSM, it is important to have as clear an understanding of your own desires, limits, and boundaries. Regardless of the kind of sex or relationships you want to have, the best way to get what you want is to ask for what you want. This is especially true when exploring your submissive side. Ideally, you will know something about what you want and something about what you don't want before you submit for the first time. Being a submissive does not mean you must do everything your dominant partner tells you to do. It is important to communicate your limits and boundaries with your partner so they can help you have the experience that you want to have.
1. Embrace Your Fantasies
Your sexual fantasies are the best place to begin your BDSM exploration. First, understand that not all fantasies become real-life desires. Even though some things turn you on when you think about them, in practice, the activity may not feel so good. This is totally normal and should be expected. Your fantasies will give you essential information about what you want to feel, how you want to be treated by your Dom, and what activities may be interesting to try. Secondly, sharing your fantasies with your partner(s) is a necessary part of practicing good communication and discovering common interests. Your fantasies are a safe touchstone for you to return to again and again, so you may continue to maximize your pleasure while exploring BDSM.
2. Practice Self-Care
BDSM can be intense, as well as emotionally and physically draining. While a Dominant partner will take the lead during a scene, you are ultimately responsible for your own pleasure and well-being. As a submissive, it is essential to take care of yourself before, during, and after sessions. Practicing self-care means taking the time to check in with yourself, understanding your emotional and physical needs, and taking steps to meet them. Essential parts of self-care in BDSM include, but are not limited to: establishing boundaries, using safe words, taking breaks, and asking your partner(s) for what you need. A partner who makes you feel judged or inadequate, for having boundaries, using your safe word, or who pressures you to do things you do not want to do, is not a Dom and they are not safe to play with. A good Dominant will always encourage you to practice self-care, which will include participating in your after-care.
3. Educate Yourself
Learning about safe and sane BDSM practices is your responsibility as a submissive. This can be achieved through reading, taking workshops, joining BDSM communities, and working with BDSM experts. Prioritizing your own knowledge provides you with critical information to stay safe and maximize pleasure.
4. Know Your Rights
As a submissive, it's important to know your rights and understand that you have the power to say no at any time. BDSM is a consensual activity, and any non-consensual activity is considered abuse. Submission does not mean that you must do whatever your Dominant wants you to do. If you feel like you cannot say no to your Dominant, or you feel pressured to engage in activities that you do not want to do, then you are not engaging in BDSM.
5. Take Responsibility for Yourself
As a submissive, it is easy to get carried away with the fantasy of surrendering to someone who will give you what you need in exactly the way you need it. But it takes effort to turn our fantasies into reality, it does not just happen. Open communication, practice, and feedback are all critical parts of healthy BDSM experiences. Placing your physical and psychological safety into the hands of someone you do not know well, and who has not demonstrated that they have the highest regard for your wellbeing is a mistake. Please do not make this mistake. Submission is a wonderful gift you give yourself and others, please make sure your partners are worthy of such a gift.
Your Partner(s)
In pop culture and especially in porn, Dominants are depicted as sexually aggressive people who act with impunity. This is fiction, not reality. Porn performers are paid to invoke a fantasy, usually of the director, and is not representative of actual BDSM. Contrary to popular belief, Dominance is an act of service. In a BDSM relationship, the power dynamic between the Dominant and submissive partners is a fantasy predicated on consent and high levels of communication. A good Dominant will always want to know what their submissive wants to feel, what their boundaries are, and will always prioritize their submissive’s safety.
1. Communication
Detailed and consistent communication is crucial in BDSM. BDSM is not about mind-reading, so it's important to speak up when you feel uncomfortable or have concerns. A submissive must be able to communicate effectively with their Dominant partner to ensure that their needs are being met, and they are not being pushed beyond their limits. Clear and open communication also helps to build trust, which is a vital component of any BDSM relationship.
2. Trust
Trust is a cornerstone of any BDSM relationship. As a submissive, you are entrusting your safety and well-being to your Dominant partner. It's important to choose a partner(s) who have demonstrated that they are worthy of your trust. Trust can be established through open communication about desires and boundaries, it can also be established by taking your time to get to know someone before they tie you to a bed and do naughty things. Signs that a potential Dominant is trustworthy are: asking you questions about your desires, asking you questions about your boundaries, establishing safe words, emphasizing consent and safety. If you don't trust your partner, it's difficult to let go and fully surrender to them. It takes time to build trust, and it is important that you take the time you need to feel comfortable.
3. Compatibility
Not all Dominants are right for every submissive. There are various flavors of Domination and submission. For instance, some Dominants are sadists - they derive pleasure from inflicting pain, and psychological distress. There are also Service Tops, who derive satisfaction from providing pleasure and spoiling their submissives. Just because you have met someone who is Dominant does not mean that they are interested in the same type of BDSM experiences as you are. This is where communication comes in handy. Prior to any play, communication helps both Dominants and submissives learn about common interests and compatibility. Choosing a Dominant who has compatible interests is crucial to having a pleasurable BDSM experience.
BDSM
1. Consent
Consent is the most essential component of any BDSM relationship. It means that all parties involved have agreed to the activities in a scene and have given their permission to participate. As a submissive, you have the power to say no at any time, and your Dominant partner(s) must respect that. Anyone who claims to be dominant but does not openly discuss consent, is not someone who is safe to play with.
2. Safety
BDSM can involve physical activities that may pose a risk of injury if not executed correctly. It is crucial to learn about BDSM safety practices to minimize the risk of harm or injury to yourself and your partner(s). This may include learning about safe words, proper use of restraints, and avoiding certain areas of the body during impact play. You can find resources online, receive private coaching, or attend BDSM workshops to learn more about BDSM safety practices.
3. Be Open to Experimentation
BDSM is an ever-evolving world with a wide range of activities that you can explore with your partner(s). As a submissive, it's important to be open to experimentation and try new things. You may discover new desires and interests that you didn't know you had. It's important to communicate with your partner and negotiate new activities before trying them.
4. Pace Yourself
When experimenting with any new sexual activity, a good rule of thumb is to go slowly your first few times. When we go slowly, we feel more and we are more capable of discerning what works for us, and what does not. A common mistake new submissives make is trying everything, all at once, at a pace that matches an experienced BDSM practitioner. It is much better for you and your partner to be left wanting more after a BDSM scene, then feeling like you went too far.
5. Have Realistic Expectations
While BDSM desires often begin as fantasy, the reality of submitting can be very different. Do not expect your Dominant to know everything you want and do not want without open communication. Like all relationships, the effort you put in dictates the quality of your connection. You are going to have a much better experience exploring BDSM if you remember that you must put effort into co-creating the kinds of experiences you want to have. It is also important to remember that much like trying anything new, things won’t go perfectly the first time. This is normal. BDSM is a practice, and practice makes perfect.
Conclusion
To get the most out of exploring BDSM as a submissive it is important to learn about yourself, your partner(s), and BDSM, before anything exciting happens. First, learning about your own fantasies, needs, and limits will ensure that you are armed with critical information that you and your Dominant need to have a pleasurable experience. Second, learning about your Dominant will help you remain safe during your experience and it will also help maximize pleasure. Third, learning about BDSM on your own will help you feel more confident when you explore with others. It will help you set realistic expectations for yourself and your Dominant. Finally, remember that being a good submissive is actually about prioritizing your own pleasure, safety, and well-being.