Making Changes
January is when many of us begin the project of goal attainment and making changes. Some of us call this a New Year’s Resolution, others may look at it as a fresh start to the new year. Exploring and nurturing our sexuality often end up on these lists of goals and resolutions; sexuality often being something we put off throughout the year. We are too busy, too stressed, not ready, etc. Like fitness goals or quitting habits, our sexual aspirations are often abandoned by the first buds of spring, despite our deep desire to see them through. This happens because we do not know how to prepare for, or sustain change. We have no strategies. We rely on will power. Sadly, will power is not all it’s cracked up to be.
In case you missed this in my last post, let me remind you about the GI Joe Fallacy. GI Joe famously said, “Knowing is half the battle!” Cognitive scientists recognize the GI Joe Fallacy as a popular, yet mistaken idea that simply identifying a desired behavior is enough to put something into practice. In reality, we must change habits to change behavior. We can work toward our desires, but we need to work on the correct things.
To change behavior, we must first change habits, and that takes a plan. Executing that plan takes time. Just to be very clear - real change happens slowly over time.
So if your sexy New Year’s resolution isn’t working because you don’t have a plan, let’s make one! Here are a few methods to help you make the changes you would like to have in your sex-life this year:
1. CULTIVATE A GROWTH MINDSET
Having a growth mindset is about recognizing that skills, good habits, mastery, and even intelligence can be developed over time. When we have a growth mindset, we are curious and eager to explore new possibilities; we are open to learning and embrace challenges. When we hit an obstacle, like our partner brushing off our advances, we don’t resolve to never initiate again. Rather, we attempt to learn about what went wrong and how we can adapt in order to get the result we want.
Example: If you are trying something new with your partner, don’t expect it to go perfectly the first time. New skills take time to learn and master. Expecting perfection the first time leads to disappointment, resentment, and often can discourage us from trying again. The best thing to do when an adventure takes a bad turn is to give feedback lovingly, and to give encouragement. “I really liked it when you spanked me, but when you slapped my thighs, the pain was too intense. Let’s stick to spanking for now and we can try warming up to thigh slapping another time”.
2. DISCOVER YOUR MOTIVATION
Question your motivation for change. Is your desire extrinsic or intrinsic? Meaning, did you arrive on this desire because it means something to you or do you believe that your goal means something to others? Do you want to have more sex because you enjoy sex and it’s a great way to connect with your partner(s)? Or would you like to have more sex because you believe you should be having more sex? Or because all your friends are having more sex? When our desire is extrinsic, it is very difficult to summon the energy to keep pursuing it. We are more likely to succeed if something truly matters to us.
Example: A couple you are friends with is gushing about the threesome they just had and you noticed your partner(s) interest. Before you ask your partner if that is something they would like to try, ask yourself first! Going down a pleasureless path because you believe it is what your partner desires, will most likely end in hurt feelings and resentment. Take a baby step and bring up a threesome as dirty talk or a shared fantasy. Play with the fantasy together and see how you react while experiencing your partner(s) enthusiasm before you negotiate a new experience.
3. SITUATION SUPPORT
Identify what aspects of your environment or habits support the sex life you desire and what is creating an obstacle. Simple shifts within a situation can provide a supportive environment that allows our desire to come forward. We can also capture our own, or our partner’s attention with positive stimulus.
Example: If you know that you feel super sexy right after showering, that window is an excellent opportunity to initiate or schedule quality time with our partner(s). Leave your lube and vibrator out on the nightstand as a reminder. Or leave your partner(s) favorite toy on the bed as a hint. Create the habit of putting laptops and phones away before dinner, so they do not distract you when you are finished with the meal.
4. GOAL SETTING
Set attainable goals that build up to a bigger goal. And be precise! Making a resolution to have more sex is wonderful, but how are you going to make it happen? If you want to have more sex, first identify why you have not been having the amount of sex you want. Once the obstacles are identified, make a plan to overcome each one. Planning and implementation: what support do you need?
Example: “I want to have more sex”. Let’s break this down. How often exactly would you like to have sex? Twice a week? Three times? Everyday? Be precise with yourself and then question if your desire is reasonable or likely. Going from sex once a month to three times a week is unlikely, but it could happen over the course of months with careful attention. If you would like to have sex twice a week, get curious about why it isn’t happening already. Perhaps your partner is too stressed to feel desire. Find out if there is anything you can do to support them, with the goal of alleviating some stress.
5. ENLIST SOME HELP
Sex is a team sport! Without your partner(s) support and involvement, very little change can actually happen. If you find that you are struggling to feel aroused when your partner is, get curious about what is blocking your desire. It could be things like stress, or fatigue. You could have a lot on your mind, which leads to difficulty becoming present. Or you could be feeling resentment about something your partner did or did not do. All sorts of things can get in the way of us connecting to our desire, but if we do not explore what we are feeling we cannot grow.
Example: If you are in a relationship(s), it may be a good idea to tell your partner about your desire and make sure they are onboard. Next, find days/times in the week that work for both you and your partner(s). That’s right, I’m suggesting date-night, or afternoon. The time of day isn’t as important as the intention to bond.
A LITTLE ABOUT SHELTERING IN PLACE
We are living in unprecedented times. In addition to the chronic stress and fatigue we have all been experiencing, many of us have become strangely too close to our partners. We have become close without added intimacy or sensuality. We have become habitually and physically close, but in a less consious way. Ester Perel famously lauds the necessity of mystery and novelty in long-term partnerships. Although mystery itself is not crucial for everyone’s arousal, she isn’t wrong. I am a firm believer that desire and arousal are creative experiences that require space to breathe and flourish. The time we spend together habitually, without intention, without much distance or opportunity to long for each other, dulls our desire.
When we are out in the world, we experience a myriad of stimuli throughout the day that feeds our arousal and desire. When we are partnered, we can bring that energy home. When we are available, we seek partner(s) to share that energy with. We are currently living without all that stimulation- a phenomenon which has mostly gone unnoticed. This lack of world exposure has greatly contributed to the low libidos of countless people. If it is safe to do so, I encourage everyone to take space from their partners, even if it’s a thirty minute walk alone each day. That space is necessary for us to continue cultivating desire within our relationships.