Desire & Fantasy
Few activities have the potential to be as arousing and connective as sharing desires and fantasies with our partners. Often, desires and fantasies are thought to be the same thing, which can lead to disappointment and hurt feelings. Understanding the difference between desire and fantasy is crucial to sharing your inner turn-ons in a way that leads to heightened intimacy. In most basic terms, fantasy is something that feels good to think about, and desire is something we actually want to do.
Examples:
I want to feel like the center of attention. (Desire)
While masturbating, I think about having a BDSM threesome with Jaime and Claire from the show Outlander. (Fantasy)
The difference is subtle, but important. Our fantasies help us understand how we want to feel during intimacy – not physically how we want to feel, but emotionally and psychologically. Through fantasy, we have the opportunity to explore our arousal in an environment not only free from risk, but also free from responsibility to others. We do not have to worry about how we will be perceived in fantasy, nor do we have to care-take our partner’s feelings. We also get to do things in fantasy that we can not otherwise. Like have a threesome with fictional characters, for instance.
The root of most fantasies is the emotional or psychological fulfillment it provides. So, if we can identify what needs are met in our fantasies, we are more capable of getting those same needs met in real life. Going back to our example, if I desire to be the center of attention, that desire can be fulfilled in fictional threesome (à la Outlander) or the desire can be met by having my partner keep as much eye contact with me as possible during sex.
Unfortunately, when our partner shares a fantasy with us, it can often lead to uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes their fantasy is too intense or crosses our boundaries. Or our partner’s fantasies may be strange or frightening to us. Often, when a partner shares a fantasy, we believe that they are asking us for something they want us to do. This leads to feelings of pressure to perform, jealousy of not being a central part of their fantasy, or guilt when we do not want to do the things that turn our partner on.
For those of us with a fantasy to share, fear of rejection, anger, jealousy, or our partner’s disgust are risks to opening up. Sharing our inner world is vulnerable, and if we have had bad experiences in the past it makes us reluctant to share in the present. When we have been hurt in the past, we can also approach our own desires with fear or anxiety. This anxiety makes our partners nervous as well. If you are this nervous about what you want, how could I not be nervous?
HOW TO SHARE FANTASIES
When you share a fantasy with your partner, focus on communicating your inner world rather than asking for feedback from your partner. Prepare them by saying you’re only sharing a fantasy, and you are not beginning a negotiation for anything. Stop yourself from asking your partner if they are turned on by your fantasy or if they want to try it. Fantasy sharing is about communication, connection, and arousal – it is not a time to ask for anything. That comes later!
HOW TO LISTEN AND GIVE FEEDBACK
Initiate a lighthearted conversation about fantasies by setting an intention of sharing and learning, rather than asking each other for anything. Begin by having one partner taking a turn to share, while the second partner listens with an open mind. Once the fantasy has been shared, the listening partner has an opportunity to empathize with their partner and celebrate the fantasy, rather than share their feelings.
Do: Wow, there are a lot of yummy details in your fantasy. That last part was pretty hot.
Don’t: Wow, that is super intense. I don’t find this arousing at all.
Remember that sharing is a vulnerable activity, so giving affirmation and expressing acceptance of your partner’s fantasies will go a long way in fostering intimacy and positive associations with sharing. Ask questions that are connective rather than judgmental. Refrain from asking questions that create a sense of pressure.
Do: What turns you on about your fantasy? Do you have a favorite part?
Don’t: Why would you be turned on by that? Do you expect me to actually do this with you?
FROM FANTASY TO DESIRE
Some of our fantasies are not only enduring, but they are also feasible. Meaning, we can actually fulfill them. When our fantasy becomes a desire, that is the time to ask our partner to help us make it a reality. Begin by sharing your fantasy, then ask your partner which parts of your fantasy are arousing for them, which parts are interesting, and which parts they do not want to engage in. Be patient with your partner as they ask clarifying questions. In order to join you in the fantasy, they need to understand how it makes you feel. Next, negotiate which elements of the fantasy you and your partner will try. This may include dirty talk, role-play, or observing.
At first, you may want to break the fantasy down into smaller pieces. Perhaps start with a few minutes of play at a time, so you can debrief then decide if you want to try again, stop for now, or go further. Brief scenes allow you and your partner to be more present in the moment, rather than trying to remember a list of details. This also takes the pressure off of doing something dramatically different or challenging. No one learns to swing dance all at once - you learn a few steps at a time and then put it all together.