Give Your Boring Sex Life a Boost: Part II

Part Two: Poor Judgment

Unfortunately, we have poor judgment about what will make us happy. When it comes to sexuality and intimacy, this isn’t a surprise. As we enter adolescence, most of us are not encouraged to explore our erotic preferences, let alone taught how to communicate them. Many of us pursue relationships and sexual experiences that we believe to be ‘normal’ as portrayed by media, pop-culture, our peers, and our families. However, our intuitions that reflect social norms are often wrong. A classic example of this is the belief that earning more money will make you happier. This belief is distinctly American, and unless you are living in poverty, fundamentally untrue. (Link to study.) Our judgement is often disturbed by irrelevant info, such as social comparison, and salient but irrelevant information that we compare everything against.

Examples:

1. Social media

2. Peers

3. Long held beliefs

4. Pornography

WHY DO WE HAVE POOR JUDGMENT?

There are two main culprits: focalism and immune neglect. Focalism is our tendency to focus on one thing, like orgasm, which leads us to mis-predict the future and impairs our judgment. e.g. If he/she/they have an orgasm, then sex will be successful and he/she/they will want to play with me again. Sadly, intense focus on orgasm puts pressure on you and your partner(s), which often leads to an unexpectedly early (caused by anxiety rather than pleasure,) delayed, or completely absent orgasm. Focalism also prevents us from enjoying some of the more subtle aspects of erotic activity like building tension, teasing, bonding, and physical sensation throughout the whole body.

The second factor that impedes our judgment is immune neglect; which is a lack of awareness of our psychological immune system. Basically, we are far more resilient than we think, and we miss-predict how deeply a negative event will impact us. e.g. If I come too fast or take too long, he/she/they will be upset and I will be embarrassed. We have a preoccupation for fretting about what could go wrong, which drains of energy and distracts us from what is going well. Do not let what you do not have, ruin what you do have; focusing on what we want prevents us from being present and enjoying what is happening.

Enough with the bad news; here is something good: we can improve our judgment and reset our reference points!

HOW TO MAKE BETTER CHOICES

1. Prioritize according to your personal values, and the agreed upon values of your relationship. If penetration is not your thing, do not make it a priority. Ask for the activities that give you the most pleasure. Take time to do what you really want to do, rather than what you think you should do or what your partner(s) want you to do.

2. Interrupt your consumption. Taking breaks from what you enjoy helps you appreciate it and enjoy it much longer. I am in no way suggesting that you take breaks from getting busy, but taking breaks from your favorite position sure as hell will help you savor it more. Increase variety. Mix it up!

3. Concrete re-experiencing reminds us of the sexual experiences we have enjoyed. We then have the opportunity to not only reflect on why we enjoyed these experiences, but we can also share this with our partners in order to pursue more pleasure.

4. Leisure activities often make us feel bored and apathetic, and can promote detachment from our bodies. Try to have sex or bonding time BEFORE you Netflix and chill.

5. Pressure undermines pleasure. Rather than focusing on orgasm, broaden your focus to pleasure, connecting, appreciation, and exploration.

6. Focusing on rewards undermines growth mindset. If we keep our eye on the prize (the big O), we often miss our partner’s feedback about how sex could feel even better.

7. Perform acts of kindness and generosity. If you can do this without expecting your partner to reciprocate, tit for tat, it will transform your relationship.

8. Create more social connections so that you are getting some of your emotional/relational needs met outside the relationship. Some people even get some of their erotic needs met outside the relationship as well. 

9. Stop social comparison by concretely observing. Compare your situation to an average or alternative normal. Don’t compare your relationship to a romantic movie… you will hurt your own feelings. Tell yourself to STOP when you begin to compare your relationship(s) to fantasy ones. Reality check: the dream lives we see on social media are fantasies; entertainment! Gratitude is also the killer of envy. Instead of telling yourself, “I want to have the kind of relationship Bella and Edward have”, try, “ I want to feel connected to my partner even when we are apart. I want to feel important and cared for”. 

10. Reduce mind-wandering with cultivating presence and meditation. Yes, I’m actually saying this: meditation will help your sex life because it will help you stay present in critical moments. 

11. Healthy practices. This seems like common sense, but as I often tell my clients, “Common sense is not all that common”. Exercise! It reduces stress and helps us feel good in our bodies. We are more likely to feel sexy when we move our bodies. Plus, exercise boosts testosterone, which increases our libido. Please do this! Also, get enough sleep.

One more thing…

GI Joe famously said, “Knowing is half the battle!” Meaning, that simply learning about what you need to do differently is half the effort of making significant change. In cognitive science, this is known as the GI Joe Fallacy.

Will power is NOT enough!

The GI Joe Fallacy illustrates the mistaken idea that knowing a different behavior is better for you is enough to put something into practice. In reality, we must change habits to change behavior. We can work toward happiness, but we need to work on the correct things.

And having more sex will increase your happiness!