Kink Shaming
Therapy can be a sacred space where individuals seek support, understanding, and guidance to navigate the complex terrain of their emotions, relationships, and identities. Clients have the expectation of non-judgmental acceptance and a safe environment to explore their innermost thoughts and feelings. This tacit agreement between client and therapist is especially important within the realm of sexuality - a part of the human experience that triggers feelings of vulnerability in all of us. However, many people have experienced kink-shaming by their therapist. This phenomenon involves therapists expressing negative judgments or biases towards clients' sexual preferences or unconventional desires, particularly in the realm of kink or BDSM.
In this blog post, we will explore the issue of kink-shaming by therapists. We’ll examine its prevalence, the reasons behind it, and the significant harm it can cause to clients. Through reading this post you will be able to identify if this has happened to you, and how it may have contributed to greater feelings of shame, confusion, and hopelessness regarding your desires and sexual expression. Finally, we will discuss ways that you can advocate for yourself, and heal if you have felt harmed by a kink-shaming therapist.
What is Kink-Shaming?
Kink-shaming is the act of passing judgment or expressing disapproval towards an individual's unconventional sexual preferences or interests. It can manifest with therapists making derogatory comments, displaying discomfort, or actively discouraging clients from exploring their kinks or fetishes. While therapists are trained to remain neutral and non-judgmental, some may inadvertently or intentionally engage in this harmful behavior. Most may not even be aware of their bias and actions.
The Prevalence of Kink-Shaming by Therapists
While there is limited empirical research on the prevalence of kink-shaming by therapists, anecdotal evidence and personal accounts suggest that it occurs frequently. Clients who engage in BDSM practices or have unconventional sexual desires are vulnerable to experiencing kink-shaming in therapy. This issue is further exacerbated by societal stigma and a lack of understanding of alternative sexual lifestyles. In my own practice, hundreds of clients have reported to me that they have experienced kink-shaming by a therapist first hand. While others expressed feeling judged by therapists for what they themselves considered ‘normal’ sexual behavior. While even more of my clients have expressed that they never even felt comfortable discussing sex with their therapists at all. In this case, my clients picked up on an avoidance of the topic by their therapist.
Why Do Therapists Kink-Shame?
Several factors may contribute to therapists engaging in kink-shaming behavior, even when it contradicts their professional ethics. Here are some potential reasons:
Personal Bias: Therapists, like anyone else, may hold personal biases or prejudices related to sexuality. These biases can influence their perception of clients and their willingness to engage with topics they find uncomfortable or morally objectionable.
Personal Challenges: A therapist’s own sexual shame and trauma also impact their ability to be sexually affirming, kink-affirming, or even neutral about sex and sexuality.
Lack of Training: Therapists receive training to be non-judgmental and culturally competent. However, most masters programs have no sexuality requirements resulting in many therapists not receiving specific education or training in addressing sexuality, kink or BDSM-related concerns. This oversight leaves them ill-equipped to provide appropriate support.
Lack of Personal Knowledge: Therapists may not be familiar with the nuances of kink and BDSM practices. This lack of knowledge can result in misunderstandings and discomfort when clients discuss their desires or experiences.
What is most important to remember is that therapists are people too, and people make mistakes. Even the most well-intentioned therapists have blind-spots, hang-ups, discomfort and challenges; especially in the sexual realm. Sexuality is the great leveler of the human experience because it brings up feelings of vulnerability for all of us. Yes, including myself. Therapists, in a position of authority and power, can often struggle admitting to themselves that they have discomfort or challenges in the sexual realm. It is much easier to naively believe that they can just turn off part of their humanity when holding space for clients. Spoiler - they can’t. My suggestion to therapists and other healers or educators that seek to support clients with issues regarding sexuality is to embrace this proverb: “Healer, heal thyself.” Or, at the very least, “Know thyself.”
The Harm Caused by Kink-Shaming
Kink-shaming can have severe and lasting negative effects on clients and the therapeutic relationship. Here are some of the harms it can cause:
Erosion of Trust: Trust is foundational in therapy. When clients experience kink-shaming, it erodes the trust they have in their therapist. They may hesitate to share openly, fearing further judgment or misunderstanding.
Emotional Distress: Kink-shaming can cause significant emotional distress for clients. It reinforces feelings of shame, guilt, and self-doubt regarding their sexual desires, potentially exacerbating existing mental health issues.
Stigmatization: Kink-shaming perpetuates the stigmatization of alternative sexual lifestyles. This can contribute to a sense of isolation and marginalization for clients who already face societal discrimination.
Therapeutic Ineffectiveness: When therapists engage in kink-shaming, the therapeutic process becomes less effective. Clients are less likely to make progress when they are unable to discuss essential aspects of their lives openly.
Ethical Violation: Kink-shaming is a clear ethical violation within the field of psychotherapy. Therapists are obligated to provide a safe, non-judgmental space for their clients to explore their thoughts and feelings without fear of condemnation.
If you believe that you have experienced kink-shaming by your therapist, here are some important things for you to know:
It's Not Your Fault: First and foremost, understand that kink-shaming is not your fault. Your therapist's behavior reflects their own biases or lack of understanding, and it should not be a reflection of your worth or the validity of your feelings and desires.
All Desire is Good: All of your desires are beautiful and harmless. Our minds are a place in which our thoughts and feelings take shape. We must give ourselves permission to think and feel anything and everything. No matter how dark, deviant, and depraved your desires are, your mind is a place to experience true freedom. While acting on certain desires may cause you or someone else harm, the desire itself causes no harm. It is possible to find a way to meet the desire safely and consensually, even if just through fantasy.
You Deserve Respect: Everyone, including therapy clients, deserves respect and non-judgmental support. Your therapist's role is to help you explore your thoughts and feelings without imposing their personal beliefs or values on you.
Your Feelings Are Valid: Your feelings, desires, and experiences related to kink or any aspect of your sexuality are valid. They are a part of who you are, and you have the right to discuss them openly in therapy.
Speak Up: If you feel comfortable doing so, consider addressing the issue directly with your therapist. Share how their behavior made you feel and express your expectations for a more supportive and respectful therapeutic relationship.
Work with an Intimacy Coach: If you find it challenging to address the issue with your current therapist or if their behavior continues to be problematic, it may be in your best interest to seek a new therapist or intimacy coach. Look for someone who is experienced in working with issues related to sexuality, has the appropriate training and who practices without judgment.
Educate Yourself: Empower yourself with knowledge about your own sexuality and desires. Understanding your preferences and boundaries can help you advocate for yourself effectively and navigate therapy more confidently.
Support Systems: Lean on friends, support groups, or online communities where you can connect with others who have had similar experiences. Sharing your feelings with supportive individuals can help you process your emotions and find encouragement.
Trust Your Instincts: Trust your intuition when it comes to therapy. If something doesn't feel right or if you sense judgment or discomfort from your therapist, consider exploring those feelings and deciding what is best for your well-being.
Remember that therapy is a collaborative process, and your therapist should be there to support you on your journey without imposing their personal beliefs or judgments. Your experiences, including those related to kink or any aspect of your sexuality, deserve acknowledgment and respect within the therapeutic setting.
Conclusion
Kink-shaming is a harmful practice that has no place in the therapeutic relationship. Therapists are entrusted with the responsibility of providing a safe and non-judgmental space for their clients to explore their innermost thoughts and feelings, including those related to sexuality. To ensure ethical and effective therapy, it is essential for mental health professionals to confront their biases, receive proper training, and foster a therapeutic environment that embraces diversity and inclusivity in all aspects of human sexuality. Only through these efforts can we truly honor the principles of respect, autonomy, and trust that underpin the practice of therapy.