Consensual Non-Consent
One of the most common BDSM fantasy themes is also the most controversial — forced sex fantasies. Forced sex fantasies, rape fantasies, and reluctance, are all forms of consensual non-consent (CNC). CNC is a type of sexual role-play in which participants agree to engage in scenarios in which one person (the submissive) gives up control to another person (the dominant). These fantasies often include elements of dominance and submission (D/s), sadomasochism (S&M), and bondage. IN CNC scenarios, the submissive partner agrees to temporarily relinquish their ability to consent to certain actions or activities within the agreed-upon context. This may involve role-playing scenarios such as abduction, captivity, or other situations where consent is ostensibly disregarded. However, it is crucial to understand that consent is still actively given beforehand and can be revoked at any time if either party feels uncomfortable or unsafe.
The bottomline is that CNC sex is a form of erotic role-play, and it is absolutely consensual because the participants are pretending that the activities are not consensual.
Communication and establishing clear boundaries are essential components of CNC dynamics. Engaging in this type of role-play requires a high degree of mutual understanding and respect between partners to ensure that the activities remain safe, consensual, and enjoyable for everyone involved. CNC is not about ignoring consent but rather engaging in a carefully negotiated fantasy scenario where consent is temporarily suspended within agreed-upon limits. This builds and fosters trust which is essential for making a great CNC scene.
CNC fantasies are not exclusive to women; people of all genders may have such fantasies. According to Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., author of Tell Me What You Want (one of my absolute favorite books about human sexuality), two-thirds of women and approximately fifty-percent of men surveyed reported having forced sex fantasies of various configurations. So while CNC fantasies are edgy in content, they are actually quite common.
The tone of CNC fantasies varies greatly, ranging from “reluctance” to sadomasochistic sexual torture scenes. The word reluctance is a colloquial term denoting a form of role-play in which desire is mutual between the dominant and submissive, but the submissive must resist their carnal desire for some contrived reason such as an inappropriate relationship or setting. Within the reluctance theme, the dominant slowly arouses or seduces the submissive through their reluctance until the submissive consents. On the opposite end of the CNC spectrum are scenes incorporating elements of sadomasochism, i.e. physical force, pain, degradation, bondage, and overwhelm.
As with any sexual or BDSM-related fantasy, the motivations behind CNC fantasies can vary widely from person to person, with no single explanation that applies to everyone. That said, there are some common inclinations and desires that may help explain why some people may have CNC fantasies:
Fantasy Fulfillment: Just like any other fantasy, CNC fantasies can simply be a product of one's imagination and sexual desires. They may be influenced by various factors such as personal experiences, cultural influences, or exposure to media.
Exploration of Power Dynamics: CNC fantasies can provide a way for individuals to explore power dynamics in a controlled and consensual setting. For some people, the idea of temporarily relinquishing control or being dominated can be sexually arousing and fulfilling.
Thwarting Gender and Social Conditioning: Women are socialized to believe that they are not supposed to seek sex and pleasure. Women who do seek out sex are judged as morally deficient, dirty, or slutty. In CNC fantasies, women get to have the experience of sexual pleasure without the responsibility of choice. The thought process is something like, “Even though I am saying ‘no’, this is happening anyway, so it’s not my fault if I enjoy every second of it.”
Feeling Desired: Another common motivation behind CNC is the longing to feel desirable. Within a CNC fantasy, the submissive can have the experience of feeling so sexy and desirable that the dominant cannot restrain themselves from pursuing the submissive. Despite the submissive’s protestations, the dominant’s carnal desire is so strong that they force themselves on the submissive.
Safe Exploration of Taboo Desires: Many people have fantasies that involve taboo or forbidden activities. CNC fantasies provide a way to explore these desires in a safe and consensual manner, knowing that boundaries and limits have been discussed and agreed upon beforehand.
Eroticizing Fear and Vulnerability: Some individuals find the idea of feeling vulnerable or afraid in a sexual context to be arousing. In CNC scenarios, the element of fear or uncertainty can heighten arousal and intensity.
Emotional Release: Engaging in CNC play can provide a release of pent-up emotions or stress. Surrendering control to a trusted partner can create feelings of safety, intimacy, and emotional connection.
Escape from Responsibility: In CNC scenarios, the submissive partner may be able to escape from the pressures and responsibilities of daily life by surrendering control to their partner. This can be a form of escapism and relaxation.
How To Explore
It's important to remember that having CNC fantasies does not necessarily reflect one's desires or preferences in real-life situations. Fantasies are a normal and healthy part of human sexuality, and as long as they are explored within the realms of consent, safety, and mutual respect, there's nothing inherently wrong with them. It's crucial for individuals to communicate openly with their partners, establish clear boundaries, and prioritize mutual pleasure and well-being.
Following these steps will support you and your partner(s) while exploring consensual non-consent for the first time. Proceeding at a slow and comfortable pace will help you both to feel safe and to focus on pleasure.
Consider how you want to feel during your sexual experiences. Core Erotic Theme, or CET is the emotional foundation of our desires; understanding how we want to feel, emotionally during sex, rather than how we want to physically feel. Make a list of things that help you feel what you want to feel.
Fantasize about scenes or activities you may want to try. First and foremost, the most important thing about any sexual experience is you understanding what you want.
Discuss openly with your partner(s) what turns you on without asking for anything. Have your partner share what turns them on as well, without asking for anything. Sharing our fantasies is a great way to explore our darker desires without pressure or judgment.
Create an erotic menu with your partner(s). Think of this as creating a list of things that could happen in your CNC scene. Don’t try to get through the whole list during your first experience, that would be overwhelming. Try one or two elements at a time to learn more about what works for you and your partner(s).
Set boundaries. Create a list of things that you DO NOT want to have happen during your scene. If anything is edgy or you aren’t sure, save time to experience that activity on its own so you can learn easily if you like it or not.
Build your scene. Create a simple plan for your first scene which should last no more than 30mins. There will be plenty of time to try more activities later. Remember, more is not more. Even a five minute scene is a stellar start - you’ll always have time to increase the time spent in a scene, but going over can set you back years.
Discuss options for aftercare. Often submissives need special care or attention at the end of a scene as they come back to reality, this is especially true for CNC exploration. Exploring darker sexual themes can be a vulnerable and emotional experience for most people, so it’s important for Dominants to be prepared to give their partner(s) care after the role-play..
Finally, and most importantly - agree on safe words. A safe word is a signal that can be used to communicate that the sub needs something to change or that they need to stop playing altogether. Even when a submissive agrees to an activity, they may decide mid-scene that it is not working for them. I teach my clients to use the simple system of red, yellow and green. Red for ‘full stop’, yellow for ‘slow down’, and green for ‘all good’.
Consensual non-consent (CNC) fantasies, including rape fantasies, are a common and healthy aspect of human sexuality, predicated on mutual trust and pleasure. While these fantasies may vary in tone and content, they remain rooted in consensual play where participants negotiate boundaries and prioritize safety. Individuals of all genders may be drawn to CNC fantasies for various reasons, from exploring desire to challenging societal norms. It's essential for those interested in exploring CNC to communicate openly, establish clear boundaries, and prioritize mutual pleasure and well-being, to ensure a safe and fulfilling experience for all involved.