Problematic Sexual Behavior
I cannot count the number of times a new client has sat on my couch and told me that they weren’t comfortable with what turns them on, and they want help fixing it. Some of these clients were confused by their desires because they were so different from the common cultural scripts that we see in the media. While others believed that their desires were too dark, bizarre, or scary for anyone to ever accept them. But the majority of my clients who were uncomfortable with their own desires were regrettably told by a lover, a partner, or a spouse, that their desires were wrong.
Understanding our sexual desires can be complex and deeply personal. Sexual desires vary widely among individuals, influenced by personal experiences, cultural factors, and individual preferences. While all desires are ultimately beautiful, sometimes distress about them or acting on them can lead to harm.
Sexual Desires
Sexual desire is a normal and healthy aspect of human nature, reflecting a natural inclination towards intimacy and connection. Cultivating open communication in relationships is necessary for partners to understand each other's needs and desires in a way that supports healthy sexual expression. Embracing and understanding one's sexual desire is essential for personal growth, self-discovery, and the development of a positive body image. Determining if your sexual desires are healthy is actually quite simple! There are shared aspects of sexual desire that apply to all healthy sexual expressions.
Pleasure
Pleasure plays a crucial role in sexual activity as it contributes to overall well-being and satisfaction. Pleasure during sexual interactions can enhance emotional intimacy between partners, fostering a deeper connection and understanding. Experiencing pleasure releases endorphins, promoting a sense of happiness and reducing stress, which can have positive effects on mental health. It also encourages a positive body image and self-esteem, as individuals embrace the physical sensations and enjoy their bodies. Additionally, pleasure in sexual activity can improve the quality of relationships, creating a fulfilling and enjoyable aspect of companionship. Lastly, it contributes to a healthier lifestyle by promoting relaxation and aiding in better sleep, thus positively impacting both physical and mental health.
Consent and Respect
A fundamental aspect of healthy sexual desires revolves around consent and respect. Consensual interactions between adults involve mutual agreement and respect for each other's boundaries. This is especially important in BDSM, when the sexual activities might involve role-play, like dominance and submission, or consensual non-consent (CNC); in which sexual assault or force is simulated. Some people who have been victims of sexual assault use this play as a way to regain agency - if done right it can be wonderful, if not, it can be re-traumatizing. Within CNC, everything is negotiated beforehand, boundaries are identified and trust is established. In these cases, the fantasy of non-consent or force is healthy and the activity is healthy if consent and respect are present before and during the activities. In other words, desire for non-consent activities is great if it’s done consensually, but if you're unable to experience pleasure when consent is present, it signals there is a problem.
Impact on Daily Life
Normal sexual expression has a positive impact on your life. Exploring your sexual desires should feel pleasurable, fun, connective, or interesting. Or all of the above! Your sexual experiences should leave you feeling positive emotions. If you are not having a positive association with your sexual desires, consider how they are impacting your daily life. Are they consuming a significant amount of your time and attention? Do they interfere with your ability to focus on work, relationships, or other aspects of life? If they are significantly disruptive, seeking guidance might be beneficial.
Recognizing Problematic Sexual Desires
While having sexual desire is not inherently problematic, there are some behaviors and practices that can harm you or others. There are two categories of problematic sexual desires. The first is paraphilic disorders; these are sexual behaviors that are so extreme that individuals require the help of mental health professionals to correct their behavior. This class of sexual behavior can range from harmful to illegal depending upon the desires themselves. The second class of problematic desires is best identified as ‘bad behavior”. These are choices made by individuals that leads to a lack of consent, pleasure, and fulfillment in sexual experiences.
Paraphilic Disorders
While I believe all desires are beautiful and not inherently harmful, some socially unacceptable desires do end up causing harm to people, as they can lead to shame or behaviors that are actually harmful. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is a widely used resource in the mental health field, including the assessment and diagnosis of sexual problems. It suggests “Paraphilic Disorders” are those that involve intense sexual arousal to atypical objects, situations, fantasies, behaviors, or individuals. Again, these are not inherently wrong or shameful to have as a desire, but they can be harmful if acted upon, or if the desires end up crippling someone with shame or obsession. To be diagnosed as a paraphilic disorder, an individual must meet the following criteria:
Psychological Distress: Feelings of distress about their desires to such a point that an individual struggles to maintain social or intimate connection to others.
Lack of Consent: Enacting their desires with non-consenting participants or individuals incapable of using consent; sometimes using force.
Lack of Control: An individual feels out of control when pursuing their desires and cannot wait to fulfill their desires or stop if they want to.
Harm: Pleasure is derived from the non-consensual suffering or harm of others.
Examples of Paraphilic Disorders:
Pedophilic Disorder: Sexual attraction to prepubescent children causing distress or functional impairment.
Voyeuristic Disorder: Sexual arousal from observing unsuspecting individuals naked, undressing, or engaging in sexual activity; causing distress or functional impairment.
Fetishistic Disorder: Sexual arousal involving non-living objects or non-genital body parts; causing distress or functional impairment.
Exhibitionistic Disorder: Sexual arousal from exposing one's genitals to unsuspecting individuals; causing distress or functional impairment.
Sexual Sadism/Masochism Disorder: Deriving sexual pleasure from causing or experiencing pain or humiliation; causing distress or functional impairment. In the case of Sadism disorder, pleasure is derived with only non-consenting individuals.
Fortunately, the DSM-5 emphasizes that the presence of these sexual issues alone may not be indicative of a mental disorder. Rather, it's the distress or functional impairment caused by these desires or behaviors that warrant clinical attention. It's crucial to assess the distress or impairment in relationships and daily functioning when diagnosing sexual dysfunctions or paraphilic disorders. Treatment often involves therapy, behavioral interventions, and sometimes medication, aiming to alleviate distress and improve overall well-being.
Bad Behavior
While paraphilic disorders exist, bad behavior is much more common. Harmful sexual behavior can manifest in various forms, including sexual assault, harassment, coercion, and non-consensual activities. While it is easy to understand why harming others would be considered “bad behavior”, we can also harm ourselves by making choices that do not reflect our values or support the kind of sex that we want to have. Understanding harmful sexual behavior requires acknowledging the power dynamics, societal influences, and cultural factors that contribute to its prevalence. Addressing and preventing such behavior is crucial for creating a safe and respectful environment that upholds the principles of consent, dignity, and the well-being of all individuals.
Consent and Boundaries
If your desires involve non-consensual activities, coercive behavior, or disregard for boundaries, it can be a red flag. This includes activities that involve individuals unable to provide legal consent, such as minors or individuals incapacitated by drugs or alcohol.
Distress or Shame
Feelings of distress, guilt, or shame associated with sexual desires could indicate a problem. If these emotions persist despite efforts to understand and manage them, seeking support from a therapist or counselor might be helpful.
Harmful Impact
Consider whether your desires lead to harm, either to yourself or others. This harm can be physical, emotional, or psychological. For instance, if certain desires cause distress or harm to your mental health, cause legal issues, or strain your relationships, it's crucial to address your behavior.
Seeking Support and Understanding
Understanding the complexity of sexual desires is an ongoing process. What might be perceived as problematic for one person could be entirely healthy for another. It's crucial to approach this exploration with self-compassion, understanding that everyone's journey towards understanding their sexuality is unique. All desires are wonderful, but if you find that your sexual desires cause distress, harm, or conflict, seeking professional guidance is a proactive step toward addressing these concerns. Ultimately, fostering a healthy relationship with your desires involves self-awareness, respect for boundaries, and prioritizing well-being and consent in any intimate interactions.
If you are uncertain about the impact your sexual desires are having on your partner(s), establishing open communication within your relationship is vital. Discussing desires, boundaries, and concerns with trusted partners can foster understanding and mutual respect.
Working with a coach or therapist who specializes in sexuality can provide a safe space to explore and understand your desires without judgment. They can help navigate complex emotions and develop healthy coping strategies. Engaging with educational resources, books, workshops, or online forums focused on healthy sexuality and consent can also provide valuable insights. Education helps in understanding the spectrum of sexual desires and behaviors. Ultimately, accepting and celebrating your sexual desires regardless of what they are, in ways that make you feel fulfilled, is a cornerstone of healthy sexuality.