Warm-Up
WHAT IS FOREPLAY AND WHY DO WE NEED IT?
A common complaint of women is that they do not receive enough foreplay leading up to sex. When I say foreplay, I’m not talking about oral sex. Oral-sex is real sex! Sex is in the name. The term sex is not limited to penetration, or intercourse. Merriam-Webster defines sex as: sexual motivated phenomena or behavior. So before we go any further, I want to emphasize that sex is whatever you and your partner(s) want it to be, and that everyone has their own version of the ‘main event’. Intercourse, oral-sex, anal-sex, dry-humping, mutual masturbation, and forced orgasm from a consensually yet sadistically wielded Hitachi magic-wand is sex.
Much like sex, foreplay varies greatly for individuals and couples. For most, foreplay begins before clothing is shed, and certainly before genitals are touched. It may even begin before partners touch at all. Seduction, flirting, attunement, and relaxing are all potential elements of foreplay.
The big reveal: men need foreplay too.
Many of the men I work with, both single and partnered, have recounted stories of being pressured, bullied, and shamed into having sex. In our culture, we are taught that men want to have sex all the time. We are told that men should want to have sex with any woman who wants to have sex with them; although a woman’s willingness isn’t a cultural deal-breaker. We are taught that men are physically ready to have sex at a moment’s notice; this manifests in the myth that men should be able to produce a rock-hard erection on command. Men who fail to manifest an erection on demand can be made to feel emasculated.
All bodies, regardless of gender and relationship status, require some form of foreplay to stoke and build arousal. Foreplay can be psychological, emotional, or physical, it can also be fantasy. Anticipation of seeing your lover can be as equally arousing as a sexy text, or being touched just the way you like. At this point you may be wondering: if foreplay is such an integral part of building desire why don’t we do it more often?
THE CULPRITS
Anxiety
When we feel anxious, we become disconnected from our bodies and when that happens it is difficult to know what actually feels good. It is also nearly impossible to connect with someone else’s body. Anxiety pulls us into our heads which actually prevents us from being present. This can be experienced as not being able to turn off our thoughts; our brains just spin and spin. In a sexual context, we can actually check-out; disconnecting from what we are physically doing and focusing on our thoughts instead.
Excitement
Excitement can be thought of as the more pleasant form of anxiety. Sometimes our excitement can be so intense that we speed everything up. Like a kid tearing into their birthday presents, we can experience a ton of excitement before sex, however it can also prevent us from being present because we are focusing on what we want to have rather than what is happening in the moment. When we focus on a goal, like having sex, we may bypass our partner’s signals and experience.
Lack of Energy
Often when we are tired, we try to ‘move things along’ so that we can tick sex off our list and be finished for the day. Lack of energy leads to a lack of interest in enjoying the moment. We are unlikely to have a stellar experience when we do not have the energy to attune to physical pleasure, let alone attune to our partners.
Lack of Interest
If we aren’t actually interested in sexual activity or connection, foreplay is usually skipped. Which is counterintuitive, because foreplay helps us get into it, or may help us want to want sex. When we approach sex from a place of disinterest we tend to rush through it like a chore. Sex becomes another thing we have to do or should do, either because everyone else is doing it, or because our partner(s) want it.
WHAT TO DO?
Think back to some of your most pleasurable sexual experiences; specifically the lead early stages of the encounter or the lead-up. What can you remember about the build-up of your arousal and excitement? Try making a list of things you believe help you get excited or help you relax so that you can get in the mood. Once you have a list ask your partner(s) for these things, one at a time; we don’t want to overwhelm anyone. Experiencing each stimulus individually will help you appreciate the effect it has on your arousal.
Another way you can revive desire is by identifying what is blocking it in the first place. Use the list of culprits above a s jumping off point. When your partner(s) makes a bid for sexual connection try to identify why you don’t have any desire, if you can. Are you tired? Feeling disconnected? Or is there something about the way you are being approached that dampens your desire? Ask yourself what you need to be different or what you would prefer to do instead. Maybe there are activities you would actually enjoy that are not sex. Perhaps a naked cuddle or a showering together? Make this activity the new ‘goal’. Ideally, your goal could be enjoying what is possible, rather than dreading what you aren’t in the mood for, yet believe you should want.